Doing conflict is something that elicits such fear and anxiety from most people, understandably so. It's a vulnerable thing to approach an issue that you already have some emotion about, try to be logical about it, acknowledge the other person's perspective and needs while representing your own thoughts and desires.
Most of us have not seen conflict done well. We have seen explosions, implosions, walking on egg shells, depression, suppression, avoidance, isolation, and on and on. Let's take a minute to put aside what we have seen and re-envision a new approach to conflict.
Let us start with clearing up some terms that people often conflate. Conflict does NOT mean combat. You cannot imagine the number of shocked looks I have received over the years introducing this idea. Conflict is a situation in which 2 or more people have different concerns or goals that are at odds. Combat is battle. Combat can occur when resolutions to conflict breakdown and a wall is hit. Too often we start with combat perhaps assuming that this is where things will end up, or having only ever seen explosive behaviors when people aren't seeing eye to eye. May I suggest that there is even a step before conflict, and that is confrontation. Before we even assume we are at odds, ask about the fly in the ointment. To confront is to face up to and deal with a problem. This is the elephant in the room.
Instead of dancing around, pretending that there isn't this pachyderm loitering in the house, let's walk up and introduce ourselves to it. When I talk to couples about this we first start with the concept that we are on the same team. We align. What that looks like in the case with our metaphor is I walk over to my partner, nudge him in the ribs, and point out. "Hey, that looks like an elephant over there. I think we should probably do something about that." There is no accusation. "Why did you bring an elephant in here?" There is no demand. "You better get that elephant outta here!" He may have completely missed that there was an elephant in the house. I know, it's hard to imagine, but let's have some grace with each other. We are all running around doing the best we can with what we've got, presumptively. He may have been focused on things I'm not seeing and vice versa. So let's just start by noticing that something is there. Then voice our concerns about the elephant. "That elephant is knocking over things." (hurt) "He takes up too much space." (priorities) Get curious. "What can we each contribute to getting the elephant out of the room?" This is our problem. Not just mine and not just yours. We can both brainstorm and contribute to the resolution. Here is where the conflict lies. What is it that we each need? What are our goals?
What we hope for is a partner who says, "Oh shoot! I don't know how he even got in here. Let's get a plan to get him out." Sometimes that happens. As an example, that can sound like "I'm sorry. I didn't realize those jokes hurt you. I'll make sure not to joke like that again." or "I'm sorry. I just got so busy, and didn't know you were feeling neglected. How can we make sure we stay close even when things get crazy?" These may sound like ideal responses, but we increase the likelihood of them happening when we frame confrontation with observation, grace, concerns, and curiosity. I have put aside any negative assumptions I have about my partner, and instead of coming in with demands and accusations I get curious and am open to other explanations that my have fallen into my own blind spots.
When I engage in conflict I try to remember these things first...
1.) I already believe the best about you. That you are a good person who wants good things.
2.) I am not blaming or accusing. I am curious about what is happening and what habits, needs, and goals underpin this issue.
3.) We make change together. I'm not demanding or threatening. No matter how we got here we both can do something to make our present circumstance better.
When we align and avoid accusations and demands we are setting ourselves up for meaningful conversation and problem solving. It opens us both up to express vulnerable needs and feelings, and it helps us access parts of our brain that are shut down by heightened emotions.
Some issues are complicated and may require several reattempts to remove the elephant. Change can take time. There may be work before the work. A valuable question I have found is asking my partner "What is keeping you from...?" There may be obstacles there that neither of you have noticed before. Ah ha! Baby elephants! Have grace. Be patient yet gently persistent. Try again. Try different, but always do it together.
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